Season 2, Episode 15: The Story of My Life

If I were to write a book about my life right now, it would be titled:

Lady D and the Year of Poor Planning and NOT Speaking Up When She Should Have

It’s a mouthful, I know.

I had dinner with one of my besties last night and she told me that right now she’s just trying to keep her head above water and not hurt anyone.  That’s so where I live.  And then she said another thing that I thought was both brilliant (she frequently does.  This isn’t a fluke) and really annoying.  She said that we always think that if that one circumstance would just change,  it would magically fix all of our other problems.  And that’s a lie (point, CCL).  And then I followed it up with something equally poignant (and totally borrowed).  We have to learn the secret to being content in EVERY situation.

According to Paul of Tarsus, the secret is Jesus.  “I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me,” Paul says in his letter to the Philippian church.

Perhaps by “all things” Paul only meant enduring floggings, shipwrecks and other life threatening happenstance.  Clearly he didn’t mean soul killing jobs, unmet expectations, crazy people and loneliness.  Those things are certainly excluded from “all things”.  Obvs.

I was thinking about the stuff I do to combat discontentedness, or as I’ve taken to calling it, The Angst.  I spend a weekend in bed (check!).  I read ALL of the books (check!).  I watch like a million seasons of whatever sci-fi/ fantasy show I’ve foolishly decided I NEED to finish before Dragon*Con (right now, this seems too much like work).  But all of those things fall short.  In the end I still feel unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perhaps Paul was right (she admits grudgingly).  Perhaps the secret, the only solution, is to bring it all under the Lordship of Jesus.  Perhaps there’s naught to do but surrender it all to Christ.  To trust his providence, his sovereignty.  And to wait for his deliverance.

My bestie said something else last night.  She said that she feels like she’s just getting by.   Like God’s meeting her needs, but only just.  That he’s providing manna from heaven.  And I said (which I don’t think she liked, and were the situation reversed and she said this to me, I would totally have scoffed at) that that is a good place to be.

We are conditioned to want the mountain top.  We want the breathtaking landscapes, the lavish feasts.   We want the high, the excess.  And that’s fine.  But in wanting the obviously miraculous, I think we sometimes miss the miracle of manna, provided by God for us.  It’s not what we expected.  But it’s no less amazing.

I’m infamous for saying that God doesn’t waste time.  And I believe that it’s true.  In the midst of what I consider to be the consequences of my poor planning and failing to speak up, I take comfort in that.  There is no decision, no failure that the true Master of the Universe cannot redeem.  And to a person who feels like she’s continually sucking at life, that is good news.

In light of that truth, the unmet expectations can once again look more like as yet unfulfilled possibilities, full of promise.  I can see the potential in them again.  I can see the potential in me again.  All is not lost.

Season 2: Lies the Crazy Cat Lady Told Me

There’s an action figure. She really does look like a zombie face eating bia.

That this ISN’T just a phase.

I had another lie all lined up, but in light of this most sucktastic of work weeks, I figured this one is more apropos.

The CCL has this really charming (read: horrible, awful, no good, very bad) way of convincing me that my light and momentary struggles are super heavy and eternal.  This has been a week of post-vacation highs and staggering (angst filled, tear soaked) lows.  And it’s only Wednesday.  And I’ve only been at work for 2 days.

In the recesses of my brain (the logical part and not the EmoFest 3000 part), I understand that things will probably get better.  But the CCL is all up in my head telling me that my circumstances- my job, my lack of a love life, my nearly empty bank account, ALL the stress, ALL the anxiety, etc.- will never change.  My life will always be like this.  It will always be a constant stream of struggle.  Work will always feel like work.  I’ll never get to live my dream.  I’ll be stuck at my thankless state job FOR. EV. ER.  I’m gonna die alone in an apartment in some lonely city with dogs eating my rotting flesh!  WAIL.  MOAN.

The Crazy Cat Lady is big on hysterics.

Jesus said that in this world you will have trouble.  Ain’t that the truth.  But he also said that we could take heart, because he has overcome the world.  Good.  News.  I’ve talked a lot about exile lately.  Perhaps this week is a mini exile.  But the thing about exile is that it ends.  And that on the heels of exile comes blessing.  And there’s blessing happening even in the midst of the suckiness if I could just pull my head out of my butt enough to see it.

Here’s some truth.  Life is a combination of good and bad times.  I’m having a rough week.  It happens.  But it’s just a week.  And ok, so this year hasn’t been my favorite so far.  But it’s just a season.  It has a beginning.  And it will have an end.  The end is coming.

If I’ve learned one thing about the CCL it’s this.  She’s a hope sucker.  She likes to suck the hope out of any and every situation.  She wants us to feel like all is lost.  She wants us to stay in our black pit of despair and starve and die.  She doesn’t want us to live.  She doesn’t want us to thrive.  So we’ve got to come down with a case of stickittothemaniosis and be hopeful to spite her!

Honesty time, I’ve kinda given up on this week.  I’m letting the CCL have this one.  You win, CCL!  You win.  But next week, I’m coming up swinging.  You’ve been warned.

Season 2, Episode 14: Back to Reality

In some ways it’s kinda like I’m waking up from a dream.  For the past 10 days I’ve been in that alternate reality called Vacation.  I’ve been spending money I don’t have.  Going on adventures. Conquering my fears.  Eating away from home every night.  And most importantly, not working.  I put the worries of the last few months on the shelf, and for 10 days I didn’t pick them up.  Hell, I didn’t even look at them.  I didn’t think about them.

For 10 days I’ve been high on the traveling drug.  But tonight I’m coming down.  And all of the worries that plagued me pre-vacation are staring me square in the face.  They’ve brought a few friends.  Tomorrow it’s back to life.  Back to reality.

I didn’t realize how out of it I’ve been until this evening.  But maybe the getting out was good.  Now I have to concentrate on getting back in.  Only better.  It’s been a nice long rest.  But it’s time to get my ass outta bed, wipe the crust from my eyes and greet the day.

I was getting ready for bed tonight (because, you know, I have to go to work tomorrow.  Apparently) and this thought came to me.  And I wrote it down in my journal.  It was so simple that it seemed profound.  Live with your eyes wide open.

I didn’t take many pictures while I was on vacation.  I was too busy trying to see, to enjoy the moment.  To enjoy the Chicago skyline reflected in the Bean.  Or the joy on my little cousin’s face as he was splashing in the South Carolina surf.  I didn’t want to risk missing something while I was trying not to miss something.

I get so distracted by the imperfection of the world, people, myself and my circumstances that I fail to appreciate truly marvelous and completely mundane things.  Like the melt in your mouth taste of a perfectly light and flaky (and fattening) croissant.  A good cup of coffee.  Feathery clouds in a beautiful blue sky.  Birds in flight.  A good beer shared with a good friend in an Irish pub over a thousand miles from home.  If I take one thing from this vacation (apart from a new and undying affection for the song “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly), I hope it’s that.  Eyes wide open.  I want to see everything.  I want to see it and appreciate it.  I don’t want to be so bogged down with stress and anxiety that I miss everyday miracles.  And I don’t want to be a slave to those things –the stress and anxiety-  anymore either.  I am the master of my own destiny, in a manner of speaking.  I control what I think, how I feel, what I do.  They do not control me.  Thank you, Vacation for the reminder.

So tomorrow I go back.  And it’s gonna suck because, quite frankly it’s kinda sucky.  And I will hate it and complain about it.  But I will try to get beyond my angst and see the blessing.  I will be fully awake.  My eyes will be wide open.  Hopefully the remembrance of a dream of a time when I wasn’t at work for 10 days and had adventures will inspire me.  And for the first time in a looong time, I’ll see.  And I’ll rejoice.

Season 2: Things That Suck Thursday!

Back by popular (and by popular, I mean one person) demand, Things That Suck Thursday! It’s almost the weekend!  And there are plenty of things that are less than stellar.  Here are some of them:

• It’s all rainy outside.
• No, seriously there’s a tropical storm coming.
• Going on vacation when I’m broke.
• Also, going on vacation when there’s a tropical storm coming.
• ANXIETY
• Said anxiety interfering with my sleep.
• I’M SO TIRED!
• That I’m at work when I’d rather be at home reading (and NOT revising my novel.  The first draft of which I finished last week.  yay).
• That I’m at work when I’d rather be in Paris watching French Open tennis (Vamos, Rafa!).
• That I’m at work.
• My mainframe hates Thursday as much as I do.
• MAINFRAME Y U NO WORK?!?!!?!?
• Menses.
• People.

But on a brighter note, my mommy’s coming tomorrow!  And it really is almost Friday!  And coffee!  I have coffee!

What are some things that suck (or don’t) in your world?

Season 2: Introducing “Lies The Crazy Cat Lady Told Me”

A friend sent this to me last week. Best (worst) crazy cat lady EVAR!

Who is the “Crazy Cat Lady” you might be wondering?  In short, the CCL is that voice in your head that tells you lies about who you are.  She’s that constant stream of negativity that’s  on repeat in your brain.  She’s evil.  She’s a liar.  And she needs to be stopped.

So each week, I want to post about one lie that CCL has been telling me.  I’m gonna call that zombie face eating biotch out!  And my hope is that by pointing out the lie, I (and you, dear reader) won’t be tempted to fall for it again.

So, this week’s Lie The Crazy Cat Lady Told Me is. . .

I have to be anxious.

In the face of uncertainty it’s easy to despair.  In fact, the CCL encourages this.  She’s all like “It’s totally reasonable for you to be worried about this.  Worrying about this will actually make this situation better.  So yeah, you should worry.  FREAK OUT FREAK OUT FREAK OUT!”

And this, my friends, is a lie.  At this moment, there are 2 things that are weighing heavy on my heart and mind.  Sitting in my cubicle, I’m tempted to put on some Selena Gomez and fret it out.  And many people would say I’m justified.  I’m entitled to a little anxiety once in a while.

It’s true.  A little anxiety probably won’t kill me.  But what if there’s a better way to deal?  I have a few thoughts:

What’s the worst that could happen?  When I start to freak out about life, I think about the worse case scenario.   What’s the worst that could happen should things not work out the way I need them to?  In thinking about the worst thing that could happen, I usually find that the worst thing isn’t as bad as continuing to torment myself with a crap ton of anxietousness.

Let go.  Most of the times when I experience anxiety it’s when I’m battling for control.  Admittedly, I’m a control freak. I LOVE being in charge.

Maybe you’re the same way.

So here’s an idea.  Let go.  Give up.  Throw in the towel.  I find that anxiety comes when I try to hold on, to maintain control of something that is completely beyond my power to control.

Sometimes the solution isn’t to try to think, work, and scheme my way out of things.  Sometimes it’s simply to let go.  Let the chips fall where they may.  Besides, very few things are life and death.  Most of them are life and less comfortable (but not truly void of comfort) life.

For me, it’s letting go and saying to God, “You’ve got this, right?  Cause I sure as hell don’t!” And trusting him to handle it.  I believe that he’s faithful.  And that he will do it.

Peace.  Anxiety cannot survive on its own.  It needs our help.  As harsh and as yucky as it sounds, anxiety is often a choice we make.  In the face of unpleasant circumstance, we can either choose to respond by giving into worry and anxiety or by doing the opposite, and being at peace.

The CCL doesn’t want you to believe that you have a choice.  The CCL wants you to feel powerless when it comes to anxiety.  She wants you to feel trapped and helpless so she can continue assaulting you with her crazy effed up mind games.

When you feel a bout of anxiety about to drop and you still have your powers of rationality, take a moment to stop and breathe.  You don’t have to be anxious about anything.  You don’t have to let this emotion overcome you.  You can own the crap out of it!  Choose to NOT be anxious instead.

I’m not trying to over simplify the issue of anxiety.  I know that there are folks who seriously struggle with being anxious.  For them it’s an illness and no manner of positive thinking and self rationalizing is gonna stop it.  I’m not talking to those people.  I’m talking to people like me.  People who are prone to occasional bouts of anxiety. To control freaks in an out of control world.  To would-be reformed failures afraid of messing it up again.  To perfectionists who don’t know how to grasp the beauty in imperfection.  To people who’ve got the CCL all up in their head cheering as they are overtaken by the anxiety monster.

This isn’t a magic cure.  And it’s not something that can be achieved in a day.  It’s hard.  You might not succeed at first.  But get back up.  Live to fight another day.  The CCL might have won this little skirmish.  But we will win the war!

Season 2, Episode 13: Frenemy

I don’t put a lot of stock in the power of positive thinking (spoken like a true pessimist, I know).  But I can recognize that my head (and also my heart) has been in a not so good place.  And it’s all mainly centered around this one difficult relationship. I’ve bent so many people’s ears about my issues with this one person.  And not always (or should I say EVER) in the most glorifying manner.

The bible has a lot to say about how to deal with your enemies. (Honestly, I feel a bit dramatic calling this person my “enemy”.  I have called them my arch nemesis on occasion, though.)  But as I’m power walking the perimeter of my office building in the sweltering, not- quite-summer Florida heat, one theme in particular keeps resounding in my head (and my heart) like a big ass gong.  Bless your enemies.  Bless and do not curse.

I’ve done a lot of cursing as far as this person is concerned .  Like literally cussing like it’s my job.  Every time I get a text, email or God forbid, I see them in person, I lose my shit.  A few days ago when I got a perfectly innocent text from this person, I started ranting to my poor housemate.  And it was she who pointed out that I was being ridiculous.  Ah yes, my dear diplomatic housemate.

That’s when I realized I had gone too far.  Perhaps I’ve been far gone for a while.  It’s ok-ish for me to not like this person but my words and actions toward them have been so unloving.  And that will not do.

So starting today, I’m going to speak and think positively about my “enemy”.  I’m going to pray blessings for them.  I’m going to be kind to them.  Or at least I’m gonna try.  And in intentionally doing so, perhaps my heart will change.  God, I hope so.

The bible gives a promise for those that show kindness to their enemies.  “You will heap coals of fire on their heads.”  YES!  I love scripture!  No, but seriously, I think the point here is that if I’m kind, and loving, and praying for blessing for my “enemy” (perhaps “frenemy” is a better term), I’m blameless.  And if they still can’t get their shit together and act right, then it’s all on them.  I’ve done my part.

I like that.  It’s not about vengeance.  It’s about being above reproach.  I’ve not been thus far.  But I believe I can turn this around.

Loving those who love you is easier, but it isn’t enough.  The call is to love everyone.  It’s a tall order to fill.  I’m grateful that there’s grace.  And that I never walk alone.